Interview: Comedian Doug Stanhope isn’t here to make friends

Comedian Doug Stanhope is not for everyone. While most modern comedians aim to produce material as welcoming and non-confrontational as possible, Stanhope is perfectly content to ruffle feathers if the joke is good enough. With decades of touring under his belt, a long-running podcast, and a trio of well-received books, including last year’s excellent collection of road stories This Is Not Fame: A From What I Re-Memoir, Stanhope has carved out his own corner of the comedy world with his cynical and honest takes on drugs, booze, sex and every other taboo subject you can think of.

We caught up with Stanhope to discuss his recent tour of China and his nearly-aborted Thailand show, how he deals with the crowds of drunken fans he’s cultivated over the years, his thoughts on the #MeToo movement, and doing cocaine with children in Montreal during his anti-Just for Laughs show.

Doug Stanhope performs at La Tulipe (4530 Avenue Papineau) on Monday, May 14th at 8:00 pm. Tickets are $60 plus fees, available here.

Bad Feeling Mag: You just came back from touring China and Southeast Asia, what was that experience like?

Doug Stanhope: It was a little nerve-racking, every different country has some fucking rule where you…the last thing you should ever tell me is “Don’t say this.” And a lot of them were very vague. In China, you don’t talk anything against the government, stuff I wouldn’t ever talk about, I know nothing about the Chinese government (laughs). I don’t know if it was Hong Kong or Shanghai, where I just riffed on someone in the crowd and I said, “You’re like your own Tiananmen Square guy,” and a couple of people went, “ehhhh.” You never know exactly how strict they are on these rules. I mean, in Shanghai there were minders in the audience, but evidently the guys knew ’em and they said, “These two guys are higher-ups and they’re friends of ours, they’re the ones that would kick out the low-level guys that might try to come fuck with you.” But I knew if i just stuck to a basic act, I wouldn’t be in trouble. But then once you put it in my head not to do something…

How did they relay that to you? Did they send you a list of topics that were off the table for each country you were going to?

Well, I didn’t know this about Bangkok but it was actually in the contract that you cannot talk about the King, you can’t even mention the fact that you can’t talk about the King, and that’s the one I almost bailed on. I read up a bunch about the lèse majesté laws, specifically about offending the majesty, and it’s like, really fucking hardcore. I read a book about the only guy to ever escape a Bangkok prison, and it was so fucking brutal, and then I started looking up all these people that got arrested and sent to hardcore, filthy fucking medieval prisons for liking a Facebook comment that was deemed demeaning to the royalty. Just mocking royalty itself, the institution of royalty, is punishable by years in prison. So I cancelled the fucking gig, and then I got talked back into it after I had booked airfare straight to my last gig in Japan. They were trying to get the ambassador involved, they were going to have a conference call with the U.S. ambassador to assure me that it would be fine, and by then I was so overly paranoid. Then they go, “Well, what if they have the ambassador pick you up at the airport.” And I’m like, alright, am I being that much of a fucking stooge? And I know a bunch of people had flown from you know, U.S. and Canada, as well as other Asian countries to go to that show, it was a Saturday night on Saint Patrick’s Day, and I was going to bum a lot of people out so I landed in Japan and then immediately booked two tickets back. All they had was first class, so I had to book me and [Stanhope’s manager] Brian [Hennigan] back, it cost me $12,000.

Was the show worth it?

Yeah, it was a regular show, a bunch of drunks getting fucking thrown out for being too drunk to sit down and shut up.

You’ve been touring for a long time now, is there a major change you’ve noticed over the years?

I’m used to it. I could quit it at any point, I’m not one of those guys that lives for the stage by any means. The applause is wasted on me, but the hate mail still hurts worse. But I like the frequent flyer miles, I love being in a plane. A 15-hour flight to me is fucking bliss. A couple of Xanax and free cocktails, I sleep like a baby in a moving vehicle. I’d rather fly 15 hours than two and a half. Two and a half you barely get a couple of cocktails in, no time to nap, no meal. 15 hours is gorgeous. That was the other problem going over there is I couldn’t bring Xanax. There’s a lot of countries that don’t honour your U.S. prescription. I have them legally but it might not be legal there. A lot of my friends smoke legalized weed now, but you can’t bring that over. That’s a fucking death penalty. I don’t know if it’s the same with Xanax, but I don’t want to fight a court battle while I rot in a fucking Bangkok prison to find out.

I was reading about how much you hate playing festivals, what do you prefer about touring on your own?

The problem with festivals is the mixed bills. I don’t want to perform for general audiences anymore. I’ve put the time and effort into creating my own audience, and I don’t feel any need to step out of that safe zone.

So we won’t see you at Just for Laughs anytime soon?

if I’m going to Just for Laughs, it’s only for the after-party. The only good thing about festivals is hanging out with that many comedians. I really miss being around comedians. If I’m on the road I’m with one buddy of mine, at best. I never see other comics, I don’t live where there are other comics.

Reading This Is Not Fame: A From What I Re-Memoir, it’s obvious you’re not too concerned with how you come across to people, was that always the case? Or is that something that evolved over your life and career?

No, it wasn’t always the case. When I was a 23-year-old open mic’er, fuck yeah I cared. I cared a lot (laughs).

How did that change come about? Is it just the amount of work that you put in, or is there anything else you can attribute that to?

When I started out, I didn’t have any kind of opinion, if it got a laugh I’d say it. I didn’t have to mean it, if there was anything to find meaning in, it was mostly you know, fuck jokes and titty bar jokes. It was what I knew. But it didn’t have a point of view. And it got to a place where half the people are going to hate this, but I’m doing it. And it got to a point where I kind of relished making people upset, back in the days when they’d come to a comedy club without knowing who they were there to see. The onus is on you for not doing due diligence in what you’re going to see. If you go to the movie theatre and just say, “Give me two tickets to whatever’s closest,” you can’t get all bent out-of-shape when it’s The Passion of the Christ or something.

Do you still relish that feeling even when it’s your own show?

No, no that almost ever happens. The only time that really happens when someone is upset is when they get dragged by their boyfriend, and they don’t know, and then they hate it. But those are usually quiet because they’re way outnumbered. No, my problem now is the drunks, which I’ve cultivated (laughs), I’m partially to blame. I’m good at it though. If you’re going to start drinking at 1:30 in the afternoon for a 9:00 pm show, you’re not going to be in any place to be a responsible audience member, if you’re not professional and seasoned at doing that. I can start drinking at 1:30 pm because I do it every day.

How do you deal with that? Are they just louder?

Well, they think it’s a conversation. They’re not listening to the bits, they’re yelling out old bits in the middle. My material, it’s not like [Mitch] Hedberg, where if you fuck up a joke and you come back it took 30 seconds away from the show. I have bits that are like 14 minutes long, and if you fuck it up right at that arc and start yelling out shit…And then we have to throw them out. You give them a couple of chances, but you can’t yell someone sober. There’s no heckler response that’s going to sober them up if they’re that fucked up. (Laughs) I’ve gotten really good at — I hate that I have this much fun doing it — is just getting people to throw themselves out. I, politely, in a friendly way say, “Listen, you’re not going to make it through this show. You’re too drunk. But rather than suffer the embarrassment of security coming over, why don’t you just throw yourself out.” And I’ve pulled it off so many times, where the guy just walks out.

Is there an ideal audience you like to have? Do you like an audience that’s strictly on-board with whatever you have to say, or do you like sensing that there’s a back-and-forth?

Oh, I always try to test their limits. My favourite bits are the ones that just seem completely wrong, and you can put it across in a way that it’s hard to argue with. It’s like being a defence attorney for someone who seems obviously guilty and then you find that loophole where you go, “Oh shit, maybe he didn’t do it.”

Do you structure those jokes a certain way to get people on edge and lead them through that process?

Well, I gravitate towards stories where…like with #MeToo for instance, where you go, alright, this is fucking overboard, and let’s find the angle, right? What is it that bothers me about this and how can I structure that into a strong argument and make it funny of course. I take too much pride in being right over funny sometimes (laughs) and then I have to regroup.

It’s like that old transvestite hooker story I have, the fact that I just completely owned it, people go “Ehh, no problem.” But if people found out that I was getting robbed by a transvestite hooker that was blowing me for $15, they’d go, “Ohh, we heard some fucking shit about you!” But Aziz Ansari, that was so fucking ridiculous. I don’t want to get into the bit because I’m sure I’ll be talking about it still by the time I get there.

You’ve been to Montreal many times, do you have any special memories of performing here?

Hmm, I’m trying to think of the fun stories back in the drug days. Yeah, I used to have fun, now I’m just too old. But I remember being on a rooftop after a gig — oh, there’s the doing cocaine with children — I don’t know if you’ve gotten to that part of the new book. Just skip ahead to the Just for Laughs festival. For a few years we did our Just for Spite festival, it’s spelled out in the book. That fucking Bruce Hills cunt gave me an offer for a 10-show run for my own one-man show for like, $1,100 total. Well, that’s less than I made for my first road trip per gig, like playing Holiday Inn lounges in fucking Butte, Montana. So I just went up and thought, on fucking short notice I could go play a punk rock club and make that a fucking night.

And I remember some local opener who looked like he was 15-years-old, you forget that 18-year-olds can get into bars, and he looked like he was 15. He was staying at a youth hostel across the street (laughs) and he asked if I wanted to do some blow. And then his friends wanted to do blow with him, who also looked 15. So we’re doing coke in the back stairwell of the club, and the security guy came out and he goes, “Aww, come on guys!” That’s how you get in trouble in Canada, “Come on!” So we went over to the youth hostel — read the long version (laughs). We’re passing along key bumps and my phone rings and it says Bingo, my girlfriend, so I picked up the phone and I said, “Honey, I can’t talk, I’m doing cocaine with children in Canada!’ And the voice on the other end says, “This is Evelyn, your neighbour. Bingo’s having an episode.” She was off her meds or on mushrooms, or both, but she was having a bad trip and freaking out. And so now I’m trying to talk my elderly neighbour into how to talk Bingo down from a bad trip while the key is being passed around without me, I keep losing my turn. That’s how the night started. It ends up with me getting thrown out of the green room of the Club Soda.

I didn’t even get to the next Just for Spite where we didn’t even bother doing a show. I think it was back in the Delta days, whatever hotel the after-parties were in, my manager found a location as close to it as possible, he found a car wash directly across the street and rented it out for the night, and we just threw a massive party over there, and drew as many of the people from the Just for Laughs after-parties over to ours. There was a DJ, free booze, we were on ecstasy and up until 5 in the morning, it was fucking chaos. It was great.

Doug Stanhope performs at La Tulipe (4530 Avenue Papineau) on Monday, May 14th at 8:00 pm. Tickets are $60 plus fees, available here.